We’ve all seen it.  The excited announcement that your 3-year-old will “Do it myself”….followed by a temper tantrum caused by frustration of not being able to.

I don’t know that instilling independence now will keep you from getting a drink or making sandwiches for your 15-year-old (my mom’s sandwiches are still the best in the world…and I’m pushing 40), but assisting your child in reaching independence in daily tasks can save you a few minutes a day right now.  And, it will no doubt get you a happier child, as they learn to master some of the activities in their day.

Here are some products and strategies to help your child effectively gain independence.  Some of these can be purchased, and some of them are going to have to come from within yourself, but all are available if you just look.

Above all else:  Patience

I originally placed this section at the end of this post, but moved it up for a simple reason — doing any of the other things without this one practice just won’t work.  It is the MOST IMPORTANT.

Facilitating independence in your child requires a heavy dose of tongue-biting, resisting to interrupt, and hand clasping to keep from finishing a task yourself.  You could do the job in half the time – or shoot, a tenth of the time – but the goal is not the completion of the task, it’s the process to get there.  Without lots of practice, your child won’t ever master the task.

This is, by far, the hardest part.  You can buy lots of things, organize shelves, lay things out in easy reach, but without the patience from you (and lots of encouragement!) your child will get frustrated quickly and give up.  This is what I struggle with personally the most.  I’d like to say that I get us all up 15 minutes earlier every morning so we get out the door on time AND Jack also gets to get his own shoes and put them on each day.  But, I don’t.  I aspire to, though!!   And maybe someday I’ll get there every time.  But for now, I sit back and watch the kids try skills for themselves instead of doing it for them. . . . most of the time.

Home Organization:

There are two key factors to successfully designing your home for toddler independence.

First, Organize. Set aside a place for everything and then keep everything in its place.  This helps your children (and you!) know where things are and attempt to put things back where they belong.  Just think of how annoyed you get when your husband puts the checkbook back in the wrong place! ( . . . or is that just me?!?) The same goes for your child, who likes to know that their things are where they are expecting them to be.  A sense of order is helpful for your child to feel a better sense of control in their environment.  Now, I don’t promise doing this will solve all the problems with game pieces getting mixed up, and play sets to get mismatched, but I do believe it relieves some of the daily confusion.

Second, Get Down on Their Level. Literally.  I’m 6′1″, so my perspective on our home is quite different than my 3′ tall 3-yr-old.  Get on your knees, crawl around, view your home from your child’s perspective and see how you can make it easier for them to control the things you are willing to let them control.  Then, find storage solutions and products that help you implement.

For instance, in my house, we have:

• A cabinet below the counter filled with plates, bowls, cups, and silverware so Jack can get his own place setting.  Luke now has figured out that if he’s thirsty, he comes over to the cupboard to get a cup out and that tells us he wants a drink.

• A shelf in the pantry with appropriate snacks in small baskets, so at snack time, Jack can pick his own snack.  The shelf above has items that he can choose for breakfast, as well.

• 
• Easy-reach bins for toy storage in the living room, to facilitate toy selection AND clean up since everything is within reach.  There are many styles available; we use this one from Target, $45.

• A shoe basket in the front hall (with “seasonally appropriate” shoes in it), so Jack can choose his own shoes.  He knows that he has to wear certain ones for school, but other than that, it’s his pick.  Now even Luke, at 14 months, goes to the basket to get his shoes when he wants to go outside (and if we don’t get that hint, standing at the backdoor crying usually clues us in).

• An easy-view bookcase in the living room so even if Jack or Luke can’t reach the book they want, they can see it and point to it (though we try to keep the favorites down low).  We found ours at a Sears company, Room for Kids, which is now defunct so I can’t recommend the product to you.  (I’ve searched everything online and can’t find it at an alternate seller, either, darn it!).  Here is one from Guidecraft that is not wall-mounted (like ours), but would be a good alternative.  The best online price is $135 at All Children’s Furniture. One way to make a standard bookcase more child friendly is to designate shelves for specific types or categories of books and then label those with pictures.

• We don’t have these yet, but now that I’ve found them in my research, we’ll be getting light switch extenders.  These were invented by a mom and dad who literally got tired of a) telling their kids to stop climbing on furniture to turn on lights and b) having to get up and down hundreds of times (it seemed) a day to turn lights on/off for their kids.  The cutest ones I saw are from Just Out of Reach (the company that arose out of this parent invention), which cost $16.95/pack of 2, and have many different “pull” styles.

• Hooks hung low enough for the kids to reach to hang their jackets, etc.  We don’t hang any clothes in the closet for the boys (they’re boys!  Wrinkles are OK…and inevitable!), but if we did, we’d do so on a double hung closet rod so they could reach the clothes.

Tools to Encourage Helping at Home:

• The Learning Tower. If you take away nothing else from this blog post (after noting the importance of patience), please take away this:  The Learning Tower is the single-most powerful tool to increase your child’s independence – and therefore, happiness – that you can have in your home.  Hands down.  It looks funny, it’s bulky, it’s expensive, but if I broke down the amount of joy and usage we’ve gotten from this purchase, it would be less expensive than anything in our toy box.

So what is it?  It’s basically a heavy-duty platform, with protective sides, that allows your child to stand counter-height in the kitchen.  This allows them to “help” you prepare meals, get a better perspective on the goings on in the house, feel tall and “big”, and basically be in the center of things at eye-level vs. by grabbing onto your pants leg – or worse – needing to be held all the time.

You now have two good options to buy.  You can get the real-deal “The Learning Tower” (pictured above) at a variety of locations, all of which have the same price.  We bought ours from Heirloom Wooden Toys, $179.95.  You can buy a new, lighter weight folding version called the “Kitchen Helper” from Kids Learning Depot for $124.88.

• Step stools everywhere. The ones we use are from Ikea, $3.49 each.  Sturdy enough for the boys to use, cheap enough to buy enough to have in more places than we thought we’d need.  They have a taller version that works better for us in some areas at a slightly higher price, as well.

• Low tables/chairs in kitchen and common family areas. Again, thank heaven for Ikea.  We have two sets of tables/chairs from them for our kitchen and our game room, both of which have gotten heavy use and are still going strong.  They have plain wooden ones, plus fun, brightly colored heavy-duty plastic ones like this one (Mamut, $39.99; matching chairs are $14.99 each).

• Child-size utensils and tools. We have cookware, bakeware, and other fun kitchen tools purchased from, yet again, Ikea, that Jack uses to “help” me cook on the rare occasions that I do something more than warm up and assemble dinner.  He has become an expert egg-beater using the whisk in this Ikea cookware set ($9.99).  I love their bakeware set ($6.99), as well, mostly because it comes with a cute little rolling pin that he can use to roll playdough (since I, not surprisingly, don’t bake anything that requires a rolling pin in prep!)

Additionally, we’ve searched far and wide for child-sized brooms, mops, gardening tools to equip him with anything that gives him the chance to help us, finding them at places ranging from Target to Home Depot.  His most recent favorite activity has been to get a spray bottle of water (he thinks it’s cleaner) and spray it on the floor and wipe it up with a rag, cleaning the floor.  With 4 pets, 2 kids, and numerous adults tramping through the house on any given day, this has been a favorite activity of mine, as well, because any attention to our crunchy floors is welcome.

Dressing:

One of the first areas you should “outfit” your child with are clothes that allow them to dress themselves.  You would think easy on/off clothes would be easily found in all clothing outlets targeting kids – but surprisingly, this is not the case, unless you want your child to constantly look like they are hitting the gym (or sandbox).  Here are a few essentials to put in your kids wardrobe that will make dressing themselves easier.

• Pants/Shorts: I admit, I thought adjustable waistbands were the best things going for my tall and skinny son….until I got into potty-training.  At two-years old, he wasn’t ready to deal with zippers or snaps (he’s still not, at age 3).  So, we’ve gone to elastic-waist, pull on bottoms entirely.  This has made our shopping more difficult.  Each season, the various children’s apparel stores may have 1 or 2 selections of elastic waisted bottoms in a twill or cotton, not nearly the selection they provide in more complicated (in terms of fastening) styles.  A sure staple in our closet has become Wes & Willy’s Twill Pants, found at CWDKids.  These pants are a bit pricier than I like to pay for kids bottoms ($25 pants/$17 shorts), but I’ve decided they are worth it.  The elastic is stretchy but not too loose, they have very generous length (great for my son who is extremely tall for his age), and the twill is very soft and comfortable. (Historically, Target has carried some adequate elastic-waist pants in their Circo brand for $5!!; but I just checked and they don’t have them online at this time.)

• Crocs: At one point, I wondered why I saw all the kids on the playground running around in Crocs, which seem like a hard shoe to run in.  This is another example of the “just wait, the answer will be revealed to you” world of parenting, as it soon was with our first pair.  They quickly became Jack’s favorite, not just for the comfort, but for his independence of getting them on/off.  And, as an added bonus during potty training, they wash easily!  The basic model (the “Cayman”) is $31 online, and they’ve added many more elaborate styles for kid (or parent) fashionistas for higher prices, if you so desire.

• Choices: A key element of independence is allowing your kids to make choices (within boundaries that you specify).  Unlimited options is overwhelming to kids this age, but you may want to lay out two different outfits, for instance, and let your child choose between them.

I sincerely hope that these tips and ideas have helped you in some way, and that you can move your child along the path toward “doing it himself” successfully.

Step 1 – Hold a length of rope out in front of you and twist to form a loop.

Step 2 – Reach through the loop, grasp the dangling right end by the middle, and pull it through the loop, being careful not to let the end come through. Keep your left hand steady, and a knot will tight around the part you are pulling through.

Step 3 – You can now hook the new loop around things (including useful things like your thumb!), and pull the main length of the rope to tighten around them.

Check out a very helpful, step-by-step instructional video at our source iwillknot.com!

I do not have children, but I have had the privilege of being welcomed into several families as Miss Leanne, nanny and babysitter extraordinaire. My most recent adventure had me living for a month in Puerto Rico with friends who recently moved from Frisco to the San Juan area. During my time here, I got to share in the lives of Ava (3 years 9 months) and Hudson who turned two in early August. My responsibilities here were to be part of the family, an extra set of hands, and share in the daily joys and sorrows of parenting. All from gorgeous paradise with a pool in the backyard and twenty minutes from the beach. Basically a month of heaven.

Or…..maybe not total heaven.

I’d been in sunny Puerto Rico less than a week before Lisa, Hudson and Ava’s mom, announced that we would begin potty training Hudson.

Potty training is a necessary evil in parenthood. The light at the end of the tunnel is worth the time, energy, and heartache that it takes to get toddlers going to the bathroom on their own. With the cost of diapers alone, the savings are enough to make any parent potty train as quickly as possible! But the downfalls are great. Leaving the house becomes much more of an adventure, time at home is much more stressful, and it generally takes more time and energy than many can muster. Motherhood is taxing and busy, but throwing potty training into the mix can make even the most calm mom lose her head!

We know that there are a variety of ways and methods to potty train your child and each has their own pros and cons. Regardless of what method you use, there are things that every mom will go through. We write this to let you know that you are not alone!

Lisa swears by the potty training method presented in Toilet Training in Less than a Day because it worked for her daughter, Ava when she potty trained her at 2 years 5 months over a year ago. The day after her little boy Hudson turned 2 she was cramming over the book ready to see it work again. She decided to train him earlier because she met some resistance with Ava that she attributed to the sassiness that comes with being 2 1/2.

The primary principles outlined in this book are:

• Spend one full day potty training without any distractions giving your child your full, undivided attention
• Teach them with a doll so that they understand the concept of going to the bathroom
• Put on underwear and never go back to diapers or pull-ups again during waking hours
• Offer them all the drinks that they want so that you have lots of opportunities for practice
• Teach them through dry pants inspections, practicing going to the potty and use the potty by themselves (Lisa’s addition: rather than following the book and having them go independently, she has taught her children to let her know when they have to use the potty)
• When they wet their pants, let them know that this is wrong, make them practice what they should have done when the have to go to the bathroom, and have them clean up the mess
• Give your child the control by reminding them to tell you when they have to use the bathroom rather than asking them if they have to go
• Reward with treats, songs, and incredible excitement
• Have a list of close family, friends, and favorite characters who will be proud of them when they use the potty
• And….possibly most important…once you begin potty training, you can’t go back. Stick with it until you reach success.

Lisa started the training just after breakfast on Monday morning and never looked back. The tile floor in Lisa’s Puerto Rican house came in handy as she and Hudson spent the day playing with his train table. Hudson wore nothing but a t-shirt and underwear…9 pairs that first day! But by the end of Monday, Hudson had asked to use the potty and actually done it! A huge victory for Lisa.

When potty training it is important to rejoice in the small victories. Lisa didn’t leave the house for several days, so it’s easy to get discouraged (and lonely)! Every small step towards independence is celebrated. It’s important to have friends and family close who will rejoice with you because it is so easy to get frustrated and depressed with minor setbacks. It’s also important to have people around who won’t let you quit. Stopping and starting potty training unless absolutely necessary will only get confusing for everyone. Pushing through the difficult times is crucial for success and sanity.

I still remember my mom potty training my sister, who is now 22 years old. She used M&Ms, which seem to have remained the standard carrot to hold in front of a potty-training child. Lisa found that Hudson really enjoyed the bribe of candy, juice, or a snack, but he also got very excited about his special potty song. Lisa is notorious for making up creative and fun songs for her kids. Hudson’s potty song goes something like this:

Hudson goes pee pee
Hudson goes pee pee
Hudson goes pee pee in the pot-ty!

There is much clapping and excitement. The pride in his eyes when we sing that song is absolutely priceless.

Lisa had several minor setbacks over the next several days. An accident here and there, but also some huge victories. By Friday (Day 5) Hudson was asking to use the potty on the go when in the ocean and at the beach. This potty on the go is made by Fisher Price and comes in a very stylish and gender-neutral (read: your husband may carry it!) carrying case. The blue legs collapse for easy storage. The white seat lifts off to insert a plastic bag for use. You can purchase it on Amazon.com for $49.99.

Lisa loves this potty chair because it is easy to pack and carry. It is also wonderful because you do not need to purchase any other supplies; you can simply recycle a plastic grocery bag to go under the white seat. (Tip from Lisa: rather than purchasing the pads that come with the potty, use disposable nursing pads in the bottom of the plastic bag for less mess at a much lower price!)

Several accident-free days gave the false illusion that Hudson was ready for anything. Hudson got distracted on Days 5 and 6 with one accident each day. By the one week mark, the little man had turned the corner and was doing a great job staying dry all day. One thing we learned was that perhaps he was getting frustrated by being asked all the time. We were asking him about the potty every 5-10 minutes and he was still having accidents. So, we stopped asking him and he started telling us! (This is actually a principle from the book, but it’s hard to remember to stop asking them, especially when you are trying to avoid messy clean ups.) Once he figured out that it was not a game and the diapers were not coming back, he was ready to wear big boy pants full time.

It’s been two weeks since that full-day training session and Hudson has had accident-free days as well as a few days with an accident or two. He has gone potty in the potty on the go in the back of the car on the side of the road. He has gone potty in the ladies room at Costco. He has come in from the pool to go potty inside. He gets excited and proud when he tells us that he has to go because he knows how important it is. We sing his song and still make a big deal about it when he remembers to tell us. (For Hudson, the bribery of candy worked for a few days, but the song continues to delight now two weeks later.) Lisa still worries about taking him out in public or where he might get distracted and forget, but they’ve both done an excellent job.

Jack has always been a pleasure to take to restaurants; we don’t go very often, so when we do he is so curious and interested in what’s happening that he just sits back and observes. Usually this means he eats A LOT (at one of my former consumer goods co’s we called this “mindless nibbling”. . . the tendency to forget how much you’re eating when you are watching TV or a video). So, while it’s great for most of the time, getting Jack out of the restaurant can be a challenge because he would be happy to sit there for hours, observing the people – particularly the wait staff who deliver the food and bus the tables as they really move fast!

Yesterday, I found the solution.

At the end of our meal – or at least at the end of everyone else’s meal, with the check delivered and paid – I try to hurry Jack along.

• Me: Jack, are you about finished?

• Jack: I’m not done. (Another bite goes in.)

3 minutes later. (Felt like 10 minutes to me, because Luke, our 1 yr old, who’d been great the whole meal had reached his limit and was alternating between eye-rubbing and attempting a high-chair escape.)

• Me: Jack, you’ve eaten so much! Aren’t you finished?

• Jack: I’m still eating. (Another bite goes in.)

3 minutes later. (Again, it felt like 10 minutes, because I had just noticed the time and we were 15 minutes past bath time already, and we still had drive/cake/presents to do before the bathtub.)

• Me: Jack, don’t forget we have birthday cake to eat when we get home.

• Jack: DONE!

We were out of the restaurant in one minute, max.

This is not the first time I’ve learned this lesson of getting your kids to transition from one activity to another by presenting them a better alternative. (OK, you might call this a bribe-gasp!) This also works to get them to do what they might consider unpleasant activities. Whether it’s getting Jack to brush his teeth at bedtime (so we can read bedtime stories!), or getting him to leave the playground (we’ll have chicken nuggets for dinner!), life with toddlers – at least in my household – is a constant game of choosing the best “carrot”.

While I’ve read that certain parenting experts believe that bribing your kids scars them for life, I have to disagree. Bribing is actually quite common in adult life, I’ve found, when you need to get people to cooperate with your plans and objectives. In corporate, they call it the “what’s in it for me” method, but basically it’s a principle based on bribing: Figure out who your audience is (in this case, a toddler) and what they really care about (cake, bedtime stories), and use the promise of this reward to encourage cooperation. They just don’t call it that because bribing sounds manipulative, whereas targeting your audience appropriately is smart.

Human nature is human nature, whether you’re 3 or 30 years old. Or whether your bribe is a trip to the playground or a good performance review. I figure learning this young is actually a good thing for my boys, versus scarring them.

I just don’t want them to learn to quickly how to bribe their parents into doing what they want….though I’m suspicious my almost-3-year old is on the verge.

With several friends who are having their first (or second or third) babies soon, and because, to these new Moms at least, I’m considered an “expert” (after all, I’ve got two boys who are now almost-3 and almost-1 year old), I’m being asked a lot nowadays for advice on What to Buy for Baby. In a prior life (with more time on my hands than as an entrepreneur), I might have gone registry shopping with a friend, or spent time over lunch leisurely perusing a registry list and offering advice. But now, this advice becomes a blog entry, which will actually serve a triple purpose: helping my friends, the Moms Out Loud Mom community, and myself. Yes, Jim and I are officially trying for our third (the ovulation kit is on my shopping list for this weekend).

WHAT TO BUY FOR BABY

DIAPERING – My own simple calculation suggests that you will change just over 8000 diapers per baby from birth to potty-training (at age 3). That’s a lot. So you want to get this right.

1. Diaper Bag: I’m probably breaking some rule of blogging here, but I have to confess on this one: I don’t know the best answer. I bought a unisex-looking Eddie Bauer backpack for Jack, thinking this would be a great way for my husband or me to haul diapering supplies around. I hated it every day until the strap literally broke when he was just over 1 year old. (They no longer sell this, so maybe they figured out it was crap). For now, we are using (I’m blushing) literally the free Similac bag that we got at the hospital when Luke was born (for me) and a standard Jansport backpack (for Jim). Why are we using these? Other than me being a horrible shopper (why go find something else when you have something that works, even though it is ugly and made of the cheapest fake vinyl stuff), they’ve got the most pockets – and I’ve found organization is key in traveling with your baby. You need to be able to find wipes, hand sanitizer, tissues, extra diapers, extra clothes, etc. at a second’s notice. A friend of mine swears by her J.J. Cole System diaper bag ($56). Would love to hear your ideas, so please comment back!

2. Diapers: With a newborn who basically truly only eats, sleeps, and poops, diapers are an essential. The best I found are Pampers Swaddlers, although other Moms have told me that they also tried several and ended up with Huggies Gentle Care or even the Kirkland brand from Costco. You should have a pack at home for when the baby arrives (read my blog on “How Many Diapers a Day?” for an idea of quantities required, at least initially). Because both my babies were large (8+ lbs. each), we skipped the newborn size entirely and went with size 1. Plus, just like Momma likes her clothes a little baggy, I’m a fan of slightly bigger diapers than the size guide says.

3. Wipes: Due to quantity used (my record is seven in one diaper change) and the fact that I can’t tell a real difference between effectiveness of different brands, I stick with Kirkland brand from Costco. They’re a good size, so you can do simple changes with one wipe without feeling like you need a little more and also not feeling like you’re wasting anything and hurting the environment. My only complaint is the packaging; generally the plastic pack is OK, but because I keep a pack in every well-used room of my house and both cars, it would be nice to have a nice holder. (When will they come up with a wipes holder like they have for facial tissue? I can picture one with pink flowers or blue airplanes for the nursery, green/brown stripe for the mini-van, etc.)

4. Boudreaux Butt Paste: This is, quite simply, the best over-the-counter diaper rash cream I’ve (and my other Mom friends) have found. You will need Boudreaux in a large size for every changing station and a travel size for every diaper bag.

5. Changing Pad/Cover with Waterproof Pad: You will definitely need a set place to change the baby, that is not on the floor and not on the bed. Reason: you will want leverage (i.e., standing up) to change them, especially when they get squirmy around 5-6months. For both boys, we opted for a 3-drawer chest instead of the standard changing table for its height (it’s taller than standard changing tables) and because we wanted closed drawers instead of shelves. (Read my blog on Gravity if you wonder why this is important; less temptation the better.) You will want a two-side contoured changing pad with a changing pad cover that matches your nursery. Your registry list will tell you to buy more than one cover (which are $15-25 each), but skip that and just get three or four waterproof pads ($8.99 for 3, or $3 each) and throw them in the laundry as needed.

6. Wipes Warmer: The wipes warmer was an item I originally didn’t register for, and I wished I had. When your baby wakes up in the middle of the night for their feedings/diaper change, you want them to go back to sleep asap. For some reason, having those wipes warm seemed like it would allow them to slip back into dreamland a bit easier. We’ve gone through two Prince Lionhart Wipes Warmers, and I would recommend them to everyone.

7. Dimmer switch for a lamp: Again, in the middle of the night, you will want to keep the room as dark as possible when changing the baby. We opted for a standard lamp and added a lamp dimmer switch ($10.97) to it so we could control the amount of light and also how quickly the baby needs to adjust to it. If you are a real Sleep Nazi like me, you may even opt for a trick I found with my second baby – using a LED reading light for middle of the night changings (recommended only once you are a diapering expert).

NURSING/FEEDING: Whether breast or bottle, feeding will take up most of your time with your infant for the first few months. Investments (and a few tricks) here will pay off.

8. Boppy Pillow: A baby staple, this pillow is extremely useful for feedings, for helping your baby with tummy time, and for giving him a place to rest on his back with an improved vantage point that laying down flat. You probably already either have one or have registered for one. Smart.

9. A breastfeeding class: This was one class I took before having my first son that paid off. While I will never tell anyone that breastfeeding is easy, this class helped me. Hospitals in your area will offer these at multiple times; sign up for one. At the least, take advantage of the lactation consultant who will come by to see you during your hospital stay to get some instruction. And if you still don’t have the hang of it, find a good lactation consultant (hospitals have a list – so will Moms Out Loud when we go live!).

10. Lansinoh cream: A friend of mine from college sent me one item when she heard I was pregnant: Lansinoh cream. When I got it (at 7 months pregnant), I didn’t quite know why she thought it was so important to send this one item, in quite a large size. After two days of trying to breastfeed, I understood. I went through that value-size plus several more during the 12 weeks I breast fed Jack. You will need this, even with good eaters.

11. Nursing bra: While I did not buy a lot of nursing tops because I found I spent most days in T-shirts or my husband’s button down shirts, my search for a good nursing bra ended with one I wore almost all the time (a $12 cotton bra from Motherhood Maternity) and several I pulled out when my favorite was in the wash, including more expensive options. At night, I slept in the basic sleeping nurse bra ($14.98), again from Motherhood Maternity.

12. A selection of bottles and nipples: A big mistake I made with Jack was registering for a “starter pack” of Dr. Brown’s bottles because that was the bottle in vogue at the time. And I got it. And then, those bottles became our measuring devices (they’ve got great labeling on the sides) for the water we then poured into our Playtex nursing drop-ins (by the way, the Target private label drop ins work just as well, but NOT the Wal-Mart Parent’s Choice ones of which I used two and threw the rest of the box away). My point: your baby will have to tell you what bottle/nipple system is right for them. Try a few and see what works best.

13. Breast Pump: DON’T buy a breast pump until after you know for sure you will be breastfeeding and pumping. With Jack, I pumped a few times a day because he had a very weak suck and was not making me produce enough milk, so I pumped to get my production up. With Luke, I pumped once during the entire 10 weeks I breast fed. The Medela Pump In Style was a good choice for me, but honestly I would have come out ahead if we had rented a pump (you can do so at lactationconnection.com). Or, just borrow a pump from a friend and bring home the plastic parts that the hospital will give you with their breast pump. It really works fine.

14. Breast Pump Bra: A product I heard about at a recent baby shower is a hands-free breast pumping bra. There are different types out there, but one is the Easy Expression Bustier – Hands Free Nursing Bra ($29.95 – $42.00). Basically, it holds the suction cups on your breast pump in place so that your hands are free to do other things while pumping – giving you back at least 20 min per pumping session. BUT – an even better idea is to take a sports bra and cut out small holes over the nipple area. Works the same way and you can save $15-20+. Maybe I would have pumped more with Luke had I known about this trick!

15. Nursing Pads: I heard about the Lily Padz when my second son was born, and ordered them right away. When I first tried the Lily Padz, I thought I had scored big. They were comfortable, breathable, felt great, and were supposed to be constantly reusable. But…they lasted about 2 weeks. I thought I had followed the usage and washing instructions, tried everything I could to get the “suction” back, but it didn’t work. Out they went. Back in came my standard washable cotton nursing pads, a bit more expensive (4/$4.90) than disposable but easy to wash (you’re doing laundry all the time anyway) and much more comfortable than the throwaways due to better breathability.

16. Gerber Breast Milk Bags: If you do pump, you will need to store your milk at some point. Don’t buy the plastic storage bottles; they’re too expensive and you will likely need to many of them if you plan to freeze any of your milk. The best bags I found are the Gerber Seal ‘n Go bags (25/$5.99) they actually do stand up after you fill them, which makes storage a lot easier. They are a little more expensive than the Lansinoh option (50/$9.99) but worth it.

TRANSPORTING: You spend a lot of time on-the-go, so your baby will, too. Here are a couple of things I learned along the way with my two little-ones.

17. Check car compatability. Not every car seat fits in every car. Check out www.CarSeatData.org to search your vehicle compatability with different car seats that you have in mind. This is web forum where users (like you!) enter compatability scores, so it’s not perfect. If you can’t find the information you need, check the car seat in your car before you buy. When you get serious about a certain style, your retailer should allow you the chance to test fit before you buy.

18. Test the feel of lot of different kinds. Do as I say, not as I did – which was basically to pick an infant car seat based on how well it matched my car by color of car seat cover. Bad idea. Test several for feel carrying, ease of getting in/out of stroller base and car seat base, etc.

19. Research the latest technology. I won’t pretend to know the best car seat/stroller. After all, I purchased mine almost three years ago – and even in that short amount of time things have changed dramatically. A quick trip to Lone Star Baby & Kids had my head spinning as I watched a very helpful sales associate demonstrate a car seat/stroller combination option to an expectant mother. A floor display on a new car seat/stroller called Teutonia gave me the impression of buying a customized couch, not a car seat. What I did decide is that when we do have our third, we’ll be getting a new infant seat/stroller.

SLEEPING: My first encounter with sleep deprivation was with my my first son, and almost pushed me over the edge. I went back to work at 11 weeks and was a basketcase by 16 weeks due to lack of sleep. Lots of lessons learned here; you get to benefit from them.

20. Moses basket: When my former employer sent a Moses basket to my hospital room the day I delivered my first son, I had to ask the nurse what it was for. Quickly, I learned, and it became both son’s sleeping spot until they literally grew out of it by two months old. In the early days, when they can sleep anywhere and everywhere, it was wonderful because you could bring them around room to room with you as you went about your daily activities. At night, we had them sleep in the Moses basket that we put in our hand-me-down bassinet because it seemed so much cozier. When we decided it was time to have the boys sleep in the nursery instead of our room, we introduced them to the crib by placing them in the Moses basket in the crib initially. There are a lot of options out there now, including these from Lilly Bean Designs and The Nursery Window.

21. Baby Swing: Another book I highly recommend is The Happiest Baby on the Block, by Dr. Harvey Karp. But – don’t buy it, just borrow your friend’s or the library’s, because once you learn the 5 S’s from the book, you’re golden. Another friend I know of says 20 minutes of the video is all you need. One of his “S’s” is Swinging, and since it was the only thing that would calm Jack down at the “witching hours” late in the day right around dinner, I have to say I’m a convert. The best swing I’ve seen (sadly, not mine) is this one from Graco, the Lovin’ Hug Swing ($130).

22. Healthy Sleep Habits/Happy Child: When I had Jack, encountering sleep deprivation for the first time in my life literally sent me almost off the deep end. I read every book out there on the market on infant sleep and made color coded Excel-based sleep charts so I could track every moment of sleep. The only book out there on sleep worth its salt (in my opinion) is Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, by Marc Weissbluth. I didn’t find it particularly well-written, but he gives good practical advice in his vignettes and there are several fundamental premises he bases his sleep training on which I identified with. I now have two great sleepers – Jack from 4 months on and Luke from about 6 months on.

23. Video Monitor: I remember seeing these in the store when Jim and I were registering and making the comment: “Wow. Who would need that? Isn’t that overkill?” Seven weeks later, we were back in the store, buying one because as we were trying to get Jack to fall asleep on his own, I couldn’t handle just hearing him and needed to also see him. (Please see my blog “Judge Not…” if I’ve just offended you; I’ve learned my lessons!) We are on our second type now; the first one we bought, the Safety First Sights & Sounds Video Monitor ($144) stopped working at 11 months (which, according to reviews we’ve now seen online is not unusual and in fact is almost like clock-work). Our second, this Summer Infant Baby Quiet Sounds Color Handheld Monitor ($181), has been going strong for two years and we also have added another camera (available on the Summer website for $100) to it so that we can switch between views of Jack’s room and Luke’s room.

24. Swaddle blanket: I am a firm believer in swaddling babies, especially until they’ve outgrown their startle reflex (around 3 months or older). (This is another one of the Happiest Baby S’s – Swaddle.) Receiving blankets might work for the first week or so, but your baby will quickly outgrow them. The Miracle Blanket ($29.95) was the only one that worked for us; both boys were far to strong (and big) for The Swaddle Me by Kiddopotamus ($10-$13) or the Boppy swaddle blanket ($10). I’ve also heard from some Moms that the SwaddleDesigns Ultimate Receiving Blanket ($24.99) works great – at 40×40, it’s a generous size for swaddling (though you’ll have to learn how yourself versus “wrapping” your child up like a burrito like the Miracle Blanket).

25. Pacifier: I had grand plans of not giving my babies pacifiers…until I actually had children and knew what the term “strong need to suck” actually meant. Once I figured out that “feeding on demand” for Jack was actually a form of using me as a human pacifier, we quickly bought several different types of pacifiers for him to try. The one he and Luke both settled on was the Mam paci, available everywhere. (This is actually also one of the S’s from the Happiest Baby book – Sucking.)

26. Noise machine: White noise can also help babies sleep, blocking out some of the noise of the household. You can buy these anywhere, including this Conair model at Target ($19.99). (You guessed it – another one of the S’s – Shushing.)

27. Heartbeat CD: I learned a hard lesson about rocking your babies to sleep with Jack. Simply put, the lesson is: DON’T. You will be tempted, but don’t do it. The crying later as you try to train them to sleep on their own is not worth it. What I did like from those rocking sessions is this CD: Jesus Loves Me Fast Asleep (Amazon, $14.99). It has your favorite songs from Vacation Bible School with heartbeats playing in the backdrop. I used it at various times with my boys and just loved it, though it will not magically make your child fall asleep (as it claims).

28. Ocean Wonders Aquarium: What did help Jack sleep (besides the paci) was the Ocean Wonders Aquarium ($37) that we hung on his crib. By four months old, he could kick it to turn it back on, so we would hear him in the middle of the night kick it back on to hear “Brahm’s Lullaby” if he woke up.

29. Room-darkening curtains: One thing I strongly believe in is that giving your child a set place to sleep (as much as you can, which can be hard when you have older kids with their own schedules and activities) can help them learn how to fall asleep and stay asleep on their own. For good naps, room-darkening curtains are key (especially in this bright Texas summer sun). Here’s a set you can use behind any standard curtains that match your nursery. (By the way, for those of you paying attention and thinking that the other S might be “shade?”. Nope – it’s side/stomach. Read more here.)

BATHING: For both my boys, bathing was a fun ritual from the start and remains so today. Enjoy this time with them; it just might be your favorite part of the day.

30. Infant tub: We tried, no kidding, four different baby tubs with Jack. Nothing worked well, but I had settled for our third choice – until my sister came in and announced I needed the “blue one”. She went to the store for me and came home with the First Years Sure Comfort Deluxe Newborn to Toddler Tub ($17.99). Sure enough, she was right. The green hammock is great for when they are infants (even when you can only do sponge baths), and the tub itself worked for the boys until they were ~6 months. It’s now my standard baby gift basket for my new Mom friends.

31. Aveeno bath wash: I figure bathing our boys in the Baby Aveeno Wash & Shampoo ($4.29/8oz) is splurging on them like buying myself the Bath & Body Works Sensual Amber Body Splash. Although it costs 15X more per ounce than my own personal shampoo (yes, I buy the good old standard Suave for me), it’s worth it when I smell their yummy clean hair when we’re reading books before bed. The Aveeno Lavendar lotion ($4) is also great for keeping their buttery soft skin buttery soft.

PLAYING: The lack of play my boys engaged in early on was actually a surprise for me. I don’t know what I expected – or that I even had any expectations, in fact – but I guess when people said all babies do are “eat, sleep, poop”, I didn’t quite believe them. I do now. But – I did find a few things that kept them engaged during those awake play times.

32. Play Mat: From almost day 1, we had both Jack and Luke playing on their mats. Who knows if they got anything out of it, but we felt like we were good parents for giving them lots of interesting things to look at. Eventually they learned to kick the music on and touch the different parts of the mat to make different sounds. Our favorite, and that of many of our friends, is the Infantino play gym ($60), although several less expensive options are available.

33. Bouncer chair: Another essential; we bought one of the lower-end options and have been very pleased with it. Luke spent more time in it than he probably should have (as evidenced by his late crawling at 11 months), but it kept him happy. It’s the Bright Starts Bouncing Buddies Bouncer ($20).

34. Mirror: This was the only thing that would keep Jack or Luke on tummy time – being able to look at the “baby” in the mirror. A cheap, fun toy option is the Sassy Me in the Mirror ($12.99).

CLOTHING: Obviously, there’s an endless variety out there. Here are just a couple of suggestions.

35. Onesies: Unless you are a much more efficient diaper-er than I am, or your baby is the first baby in the world not to spit up a lot, you will likely go through 2-3 onesies/outfits per day, especially in the first few months. You will need a variety of different options. As much as I love Target, the onesies that come in a pack of 5 are only worth the money if you wear them under other things. In my experience, spending a little more for some thicker, more substantial onesies is the best option if your baby will wear them alone (like summer babies). Try these from Old Navy and The Children’s Place, or if you want to spend a little more (though, honestly, why?) Baby Gap has some good ones that are ultra-cute.

36. Pants: With my first son, I dressed him in one-piece play rompers consistently, until he was around 9 months old. Then I discovered pants. His bottom rarely saw another romper, and his brother only wore them on the occasions where we had run out of pants and we were backed up on laundry. My point: Pants are better than rompers. It’s the same principle for why, as a tall woman, I prefer tankinis over 1 piece swimsuits (even “long torso” ones) – having a top + a pant fits a wider variety of babies and you don’t have to worry about longer torsos/longer legs/etc. (Yes, one size does not fit all with babies, either.) My favorites, once again, were from Old Navy and The Children’s Place – great staples that look good and have lasted through two boys now.

Yes, it took over a year.

From the battlefield, here are some lessons learned the hard way on the transition process. These actually apply to any difficult transition, I’ve learned and, unfortunately, had to relearn again and again. Maybe if I would have written them down the first time (with giving up the pacifier) or even the second (with potty-training), this would have gone smoother. We’ll hope they stick with me for our next transition (which may just be coming this fall, with full day pre-school)

First, the DON’Ts.

1. DON’T expect your child to choose to transition. Somewhere along the line, when Jack was almost 2 yrs, I had heard an idea from a friend of placing a big boy bed in the kid’s bedroom and letting the child decide when they wanted to sleep in it. Jack’s big boy bed was in his room for over a year, not slept in. The most we did with it was read books on it (occasionally), but mostly it was a staging area for folded clothes that needed to be put away.
2. DON’T give your child the option of choosing. We had many nights during this particular transition where Jack would try to go to sleep in his big boy bed, but then cry frantically for his crib after we’d said goodnight and closed his door. There were also nights where he did the reverse (although he never did fall asleep in his big boy bed during this time…would always end up in the crib). I recognized in him during these times a trait I have myself – a deep desire to do something that I know will be good for me but is hard, but unless faced with no other alternative, I can generally talk myself out of doing it.
3. DON’T expect your child to make the transition because they know it’s the right thing to do. No child will make such hard transitions because they know it’s in their best interest. They don’t know what all is in their best interest (for about 25 more years).

So, now that we’ve cleared up the DON’Ts, let’s talk about the DO’s. These actually worked for us in this order….meaning the magic didn’t work until all of the elements were in place.

1. DO communicate to your child that change is coming. I am personally a big fan of the potty-training books and bed-transition books as a way to talk with your child about growing up and what transitions to expect. For bed-transition, the only one we used was Elmo’s Big Enough for a Bed.
2. DO let your child participate in the transition. Giving your child the option to choose the transition and letting them make choices on how to do it are completely different. When Jim & I finally decided we wouldn’t let Jack have the choice of sleeping in the big boy bed, we did decide to let him choose his sheets (like Elmo).
3. DO use bribes. Jack was never so interested and motivated to sleep in his big boy bed until the night we told him that we would take him to the Pizza House for lunch the next day if he did.
4. DO remove all other options. Jim and I had tried DO #1 for a while, and then this Big Weekend we did DO’s #2 and #3. But, we hadn’t taken the crib down yet and so that Friday night, Jack cried and cried until we let him sleep in the crib. So, Saturday afternoon after Jack’s nap in his crib (his last — wow, that kind of makes me sad), Jack and Daddy disassembled Jack’s crib of almost 3 years.
5. DO give your child something positive to associate with the transition. Even with DO’s #1-#4 in place, on Saturday night, as we put Jack to bed, we were still in the midst of tears, refusals, hysterics, etc. from him on the idea of even getting into his big boy bed. He had his new sheets, he had his old “lovies” from his crib (a bear, a blankie, and a Tigger), he had a bribe for the next day, and there was no crib left as an alternative. Yet, he would not get himself into the big boy bed. Out of the blue, I remembered that Jack loves the doggie nap mat that we take on the very few overnight stays we’ve had. When I suggested we get it out, and Jim suggested we lay it on top of the big boy bed, it was like a lightbulb went off in Jack’s head. Tears stopped, and he waited quietly while we laid it out. Then he climbed right in, and told us good night. Wow!

The rest of the evening, Jack laid quietly in his bed for a while, then moved around it, exploring every angle (we watched him on our video camera). It took him over an hour, but he fell asleep. We were still on pins and needles, sure he would wake up crying in the middle of the night for his crib. But, no, we didn’t hear a peep until the morning, when Jack woke up singing just like every morning. And every night since, he’s gotten more and more comfortable, and now the crib (like the paci and diapers during the day) is a distant memory.

As I reflect more on what worked and what didn’t, I think there is another essential DO. So, I’ll add:

DO #6: DO make the decision yourself (with your spouse or other caregiver) that YOU are ready for the change.

I know I was ambiguous about forcing this transition before the week we actually did it. It was really Jack’s growth that was literally making the crib too small for him that made it necessary for him to transition.

And, on reflection, that should actually be the first DO – deciding, as a parent, what’s right for your child and when.