Reasons to Re-Think that Headache

Pssst…. Just Between Us Girls….

Comedienne Joan Rivers used to drop her catch phrase, “Can we talk?” just before sharing a juicy tidbit or an insult. I pose the question today because I’ve got a touchy topic – sex! That’s right! But this is not the typical all-my-husband-ever-wants-giggle-giggle chat we women are comfortable sharing. This is a confession from the heart and a plea to try on a new perspective.

Closing my eyes, I can almost still feel the damp cotton on my cheek. After the usual quick kiss and love you, my husband’s breathing had begun to slow down but my mind was just revving up. It was the same old attack: This is your life. You haven’t even been married six months and he thinks you’ve gotten fat and boring and has no desire for you. Blah! Blah! Blah! Another tear collected on my pillow. I’d quickly learned my pleas only made things worse, so I’d given up trying to make my husband understand what his neglect was doing to me. I chose to silently cry myself to sleep most nights.

When the person who is supposed to desire you most doesn’t, it takes a toll on your femininity, sense of beauty, self-esteem, and even decreases your own sexuality. You could be a head-turner, but still convince yourself there must be something wrong with you.    

Fast forward several years and I’ve now seen both sides of the coin, so to speak. My first husband unwittingly gave my second husband a gift. Hubby number one’s lack of desire gave me an appreciation for hubby number two’s strong libido.

Don’t get me wrong. I get headaches some nights, and opt out, but most of the time I go along and find myself enjoying the experience. I learned the hard way what a blessing sex can be between a husband and wife. And, for most men, it’s part of how they communicate their love and affection.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger in her book, “The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage” draws from her 30 years of experience listening to marital dilemmas to help spouses better understand each other’s needs. One point she emphasizes is the importance of sex. For most men sex is a means of feeling close and connected to their wives, she explains, and even helps them to relax and disconnect from the outside world.

Sexual intimacy is just that, a time of deep-rooted connection between a man and woman – which brings me to my next point. Sad, but true, there are women looking to take care of this need for your husband. Eva Mendes’ character in the recent movie “The Women” made my skin crawl. She was a femme fatale on the prowl, reeling in a wealthy man whose wife had become so busy doing, that she’d stopped being the woman she wanted to be or the wife her husband needed. Don’t get me wrong, there’s never an excuse for infidelity! I’m just challenging women to see this as an area of temptation with a fairly simple remedy – a yes. 

Granted, most women report having a lower sex drive than their husbands, so there will obviously be times when cuddling will have to suffice. However, I encourage you to cooperate more often than not and change your mindset to see sex as a gift, where the two truly become one.

Written by Chonda Ralston, a freelance writer who lives in Plano, Texas, with her husband and three children.