The Sandwich Generation

Written by Shari

I am a 42-year-old corporate refugee, wife, mother of two daughters (3 years and newborn) and daughter of an 81-year-old mother.  I am a member of the “sandwich generation,” a term some smart marketing person coined for those of us who simultaneously have responsibilities for raising our own children as well as caring for aging parents.  This makes my life a bit chaotic, certainly time-pressured, and very full as I am constantly balancing needs across generations.
 
My mother was 39 when I was born.  At some point in my teens, I realized that my parents were as old as some of my friends’ grandparents and that I probably would be pretty young, watching them age and die.  It was a moment of profound sadness that I’ll never forget.  But, as life would have it, I didn’t start my own family until I was almost 39.  As a young forty-something now, I am experiencing the “circle of life” when the child becomes the caregiver to her parent. 

In addition to heart problems, my mother suffers from Parkinson’s disease.  While it’s still in early to mid stage, there are factors to it that have attacked an already weakened cardiovascular system.  Mom was pretty independent up until early June (3 months ago) when she experienced her first black out and fell in her apartment.  She spent four days in the hospital while specialists ruled out other possible reasons for her fainting spells.  Eventually, they diagnosed it as autonomic dysfunction, meaning Mom’s blood pressure drops severely every time she stands up, to the point of making her black out, brought on by the Parkinson’s ravaging her cardiovascular system.

She lives in an independent apartment at Sunrise Senior Living of Plano and now needs additional home healthcare to provide basic personal care.  We chose this path instead of 24-hour care in their assisted living community, because we felt like maintaining some sort of independence was important for Mom.  She gets depressed about her health and while the assisted living community at Sunrise is exceptional, she is not ready to give up her apartment just yet.

I’ve overseen my mother’s medical affairs for about eight years now.  There are two very important lessons I’ve learned about all of it:  ask a lot of questions to educate yourself – because at some point, your parent will become too overwhelmed (and frightened) to hear it all; and be certain that if your parent is able to make his own choices, that you give him that right.  I don’t decide anything without explaining the options simply to my mother and then confirming our decision really is what she wants to do.  I know, someday, the decision will be mine and my family’s alone.

I’ve learned other things.  Finding doctors you trust and respect is no easy task.  Don’t settle for someone if your instincts tell you he or she may not be totally tuned in to what’s going on.  If the doctor explains something you don’t understand, then make him help you understand.  Surprisingly, I discovered that there are not many internal medicine physicians in Plano who will take Medicare patients anymore.  I found a wonderful doctor for my mother by calling Plano’s Presbyterian Hospital referral line and while she is Mom’s primary physician, she has referred us to some great specialists.

If you are in the position of finding a retirement, assisted living or nursing community for your parent, then visit as many as you can before you make a choice.  My family moved to Plano from Houston two and a half years ago and, believe it or not, there were not many places to choose from.  Obviously demand has grown, because several have popped up recently.  When making your selection, be sure to ask lots of questions about what services they will and won’t provide.  It’s little things – for example, if your parent needs occasional help with a sweater that is difficult to fasten, then is there someone who can provide assistance even if she lives in an independent apartment?  Ask how they engage a resident who is shy or lacks motivation to participate in activities, visit without an appointment at first, eat in their dining room once or twice, get to know the people who work there and, most importantly, plan to stay very involved in your parent’s care.  Don’t be afraid to take charge and step on some toes now and then!

Mom’s community, Sunrise, totally shined when I called to tell them she’d need assisted living for a couple of weeks while she recuperated from her hospital stay.  In less than 24 hours, they had a room set up for her and people tending to her needs the moment she arrived.  When Mom was ready to transition back to her independent apartment, they recommended a group that could provide home healthcare assistance and by the time Mom’s move happened, we were set up!

Mom told all of us several years ago that she would never live with one of us, because she does not wish to be a burden.  She even gave up driving on her own when she felt the timing was appropriate.  She kept some level of control over what happened in her life, and I respect that.  Having to make the right choice for your family and loved one can be difficult, though.  I think the thing that has comforted our family most is knowing that nothing has to be permanent.  There are more options available now for seniors than there were just a few years ago.  A lot of it is trial and error but fortunately, we’ve been blessed thus far with good choices.

How does all of this balance with my responsibilities as a mother of young girls?  My daughters come first in everything, which is why I’ve made sure Mom is cared for daily by people who share my desire for treating her with dignity, respect and loving kindness.  When Mom has a problem, I turn to my husband and mother-in-law for help with my kids.  They take over without hesitation so I can focus on Mom’s needs.  Something else I’ve learned is that friends eagerly stand behind their offers to help.  All I have to do is ask, and it seems like several are at my doorstep immediately.  Blessings surround us and come from lots of willing hearts.

One thing is for certain, this experience has helped my husband and I see that we need to prepare for our future and how it affects the lives of our children.  The “circle of life” will come back around to them one day and I hope that like me, my daughters will think of their “sandwich” as a dark chocolate ice cream one; somewhere between bittersweet and sweet.