How NOT to Transition Your Child from Crib to a Big-Kid Bed

This was a B.W. (Big Weekend) in the Cooksey household. Finally, after over a year, Jack started sleeping in his big-boy bed.

Yes, it took over a year.

From the battlefield, here are some lessons learned the hard way on the transition process. These actually apply to any difficult transition, I’ve learned and, unfortunately, had to relearn again and again. Maybe if I would have written them down the first time (with giving up the pacifier) or even the second (with potty-training), this would have gone smoother. We’ll hope they stick with me for our next transition (which may just be coming this fall, with full day pre-school)

First, the DON’Ts.

1. DON’T expect your child to choose to transition. Somewhere along the line, when Jack was almost 2 yrs, I had heard an idea from a friend of placing a big boy bed in the kid’s bedroom and letting the child decide when they wanted to sleep in it. Jack’s big boy bed was in his room for over a year, not slept in. The most we did with it was read books on it (occasionally), but mostly it was a staging area for folded clothes that needed to be put away.
2. DON’T give your child the option of choosing. We had many nights during this particular transition where Jack would try to go to sleep in his big boy bed, but then cry frantically for his crib after we’d said goodnight and closed his door. There were also nights where he did the reverse (although he never did fall asleep in his big boy bed during this time…would always end up in the crib). I recognized in him during these times a trait I have myself – a deep desire to do something that I know will be good for me but is hard, but unless faced with no other alternative, I can generally talk myself out of doing it.
3. DON’T expect your child to make the transition because they know it’s the right thing to do. No child will make such hard transitions because they know it’s in their best interest. They don’t know what all is in their best interest (for about 25 more years).

So, now that we’ve cleared up the DON’Ts, let’s talk about the DO’s. These actually worked for us in this order….meaning the magic didn’t work until all of the elements were in place.

1. DO communicate to your child that change is coming. I am personally a big fan of the potty-training books and bed-transition books as a way to talk with your child about growing up and what transitions to expect. For bed-transition, the only one we used was Elmo’s Big Enough for a Bed.
2. DO let your child participate in the transition. Giving your child the option to choose the transition and letting them make choices on how to do it are completely different. When Jim & I finally decided we wouldn’t let Jack have the choice of sleeping in the big boy bed, we did decide to let him choose his sheets (like Elmo).
3. DO use bribes. Jack was never so interested and motivated to sleep in his big boy bed until the night we told him that we would take him to the Pizza House for lunch the next day if he did.
4. DO remove all other options. Jim and I had tried DO #1 for a while, and then this Big Weekend we did DO’s #2 and #3. But, we hadn’t taken the crib down yet and so that Friday night, Jack cried and cried until we let him sleep in the crib. So, Saturday afternoon after Jack’s nap in his crib (his last — wow, that kind of makes me sad), Jack and Daddy disassembled Jack’s crib of almost 3 years.
5. DO give your child something positive to associate with the transition. Even with DO’s #1-#4 in place, on Saturday night, as we put Jack to bed, we were still in the midst of tears, refusals, hysterics, etc. from him on the idea of even getting into his big boy bed. He had his new sheets, he had his old “lovies” from his crib (a bear, a blankie, and a Tigger), he had a bribe for the next day, and there was no crib left as an alternative. Yet, he would not get himself into the big boy bed. Out of the blue, I remembered that Jack loves the doggie nap mat that we take on the very few overnight stays we’ve had. When I suggested we get it out, and Jim suggested we lay it on top of the big boy bed, it was like a lightbulb went off in Jack’s head. Tears stopped, and he waited quietly while we laid it out. Then he climbed right in, and told us good night. Wow!

The rest of the evening, Jack laid quietly in his bed for a while, then moved around it, exploring every angle (we watched him on our video camera). It took him over an hour, but he fell asleep. We were still on pins and needles, sure he would wake up crying in the middle of the night for his crib. But, no, we didn’t hear a peep until the morning, when Jack woke up singing just like every morning. And every night since, he’s gotten more and more comfortable, and now the crib (like the paci and diapers during the day) is a distant memory.

As I reflect more on what worked and what didn’t, I think there is another essential DO. So, I’ll add:

DO #6: DO make the decision yourself (with your spouse or other caregiver) that YOU are ready for the change.

I know I was ambiguous about forcing this transition before the week we actually did it. It was really Jack’s growth that was literally making the crib too small for him that made it necessary for him to transition.

And, on reflection, that should actually be the first DO – deciding, as a parent, what’s right for your child and when.